Who pays?

‘Did he pay?’

I have always had the opinion that expecting a man to pay for a woman on dates, for example, because he is a man, is sexist and a tad old fashioned. The idea that a man should pay for a woman comes from a time when it was socially acceptable for men to work and provide and for women to be in the domestic sphere. It made sense then, but in a more progressive society and changing economy where women can work and even be the breadwinner, it isn’t fair to expect a man to pay because of their gender. I think it depends on two people’s situation, not to mention the fact that a couple could be two women or two men, or even people who don’t attribute themselves to a gender.

I met my boyfriend when I was at university. We were both students and therefore in a very similar financial situation. It would hardly have been fair if I had expected him to pay for everything simply because of the fact that he is a man. So we split the costs. As our relationship progressed we decided that it might be an idea for one of us to foot the bill and then on the next occasion the other person would do the same. It’s nice to treat your boyfriend or girlfriend and it’s fairer when you know you will be treated in the same way. In the early stages of our relationship we went out for meals or to the cinema. My friends in halls would often ask ‘did he pay?’ as though that was the tell tale sign of whether he was a decent boyfriend or not. When I told them that we split the cost some would reel in horror. ‘He didn’t pay? The guy should always pay. He should be treating you!’

When I spoke to a friend recently about this topic she told me that her boyfriend pays for ‘everything’, because, in her own words: ’he likes to feel like he’s looking after me. It makes him feel like a man.’ I have to say I puked a little bit in my mouth. I’m also concerned that he feels the need to throw money at her to assure himself that he is in fact ‘a man.’ She went on to describe how biologically men like to look after women, how it is in their nature etc etc.  Since I’m the Drama and English Literature friend, who therefore clearly doesn’t understand science in any way, I often get the patronising scientific spiel if I ever talk about gender issues. My point is, even if it is biologically true that ‘men like to care and look after their woman’ they can do so and show it in other ways. Money being thrown at you doesn’t show that someone cares. But, guess what, women can care for their male counterparts too! I show that firstly by not expecting my boyfriend to pay for everything, because I care about his financial wellbeing and funnily enough I like to treat him from time to time.

I found it rather awkward when I was briefly dating a guy who kept insisting on paying for everything despite my offer to split the cost or buy him a drink. I felt a bit helpless and I felt as though I was being bought for something in return. If one of you is earning considerably more than the other, or one is earning and one is not then it may be fair for one to pay for their partner. The point is, as with many things, ‘who pays’ should depend on your situation and not on your gender.